Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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