last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I smell like Dick and happiness
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