I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I think i got beer on your cat.
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