while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
