You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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