So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I FOUND THE LEGS
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
