So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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