It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
