Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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