When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
