I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
