I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
