Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
