why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
