I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
