his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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