somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
