I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
