shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
