She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
