Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
