I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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