The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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