Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it's like iHOP with fire
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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