So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
