Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
