im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
