She's JV to your varsity
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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