I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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