Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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