this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
