dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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