I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
