.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
