I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
