And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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