I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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