Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
