What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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