He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
