I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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