My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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