the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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