Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
