eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
