yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
