On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
