she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
