Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
