He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
