i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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