I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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